LOSING.... but because of that way.

Why did this have to happen?
It seems like i can never get a freakin break.
I was hoping to see my friend Logan this weekend
Because havent seen her in like forever,
But no I didnt even get to say goodbye to her.
I wish i could have done soemthing.
Everytime i talked to her she seemed fine,
but she was not.
How could i have not seen that?

In some way i feel like it is my fault
because i didnt notice it....

WHy does this always happen to me?

A life i want to follow

I have been having a rought time with som stuff but now that i have found the lord again i am doing alot better. I got back to the point i was because i got to thinking about ashley alot lately. I need to not do that so much.

Thoughts in my head.

There are so many things going through my head right now, it seems like it wont ever stop spinning. From Guys to softball to school to jsut random things. I really hate it. I cant think straight at all anymore.
Since the break up everything has just gone down hill.. I honestly dont know what i am going to to do now. Broken hearts take time to heal but there is really only one thing that can heal my broken heart. YOU!!!!

Since that little thing called High School

Since high school, i think life has gotten alot better. I have met so many people that its confusing. I thinki have found myself. Liek i never have before. I have come out of my little comfort zone that i have been in because in my hometown. Everyone knows everyone and how they find you the first time is how you will be for the rest of your life. And here at College "home" it is like you can just start over fresh because no one knows who you are.

Till later this is
college GIRL!

first night of the new experience

First night at school... it was do different. Just will take time to get use to. But it was good... more about it tomorrow.. night night time for me.

The end is coming.. with a new beginning

So this is really starting to hang on my shoulders now. I leave in 2 days.. can you believe it. it is coming so soon. I want to just scream. i am getting so nervous... I dont think i am ready now. i want to leave but i am not ready..

the things i do for you..

Why is it that everytime you tell me one ting, and i do it, then you get mad. It hurts. I change everything around for you and then you dont like when i do. i do things for you and you dont appreciate them. Do you really love me?
in 10 days this wont be happening. But i will still love you.
I will always love you

What really is Love?

What really is LOVE? Define that word really. Does it mean that you just love someone asif it was your brother or maybe love as you want to be with the person for the rest of your life? Give me one thing that really tells me what that might be. I don’t think I really believe in LOVE. I believe in Lust or envy over a person but right now not love. What really is lust then? Is lust and love the same thing? Could it be? When you are my age, is there really even a difference. I honestly don’t think so. I think being in the point I am or anyone really is right now, might be like looking for a good time but not that committed of a thing. But maybe I am. I am ready to find something that I can always look at and say I am so lucky. I am lucky to have this person next to me that loves me for me. Could that ever happen? Have someone love you for you? Is that even possible? I was talking one time to my friend Allison and we were talking about love and relationships. Being the type of person I am that when I want something I go for it. I don’t just stand around and wait. I go for it and if something doesn’t work out, I move on. Right now, I have this guy in my life. He makes me so happy but I am wondering what is going to happen in what 18 days, when I go to school. Will he still feel the same way about me or just dump me to the curb and move on? When I said I didn’t believe in love, I have changed my mind because I now think that if you find the right person you can believe in love. I honestly think I have found the person that really makes me happy, and could possible for the rest of my life.
Do you think about that ever? Have you maybe already found the person that you will be with for the rest of your life? Is it possible at this young of an age? Why is it that most people wait to get married? If you are ready then you know you’re ready. No one should tell you what you know about your own self. You know yourself better than anyone in the world except God but he made you. He knows who you are going to marry.
What if you got the chance, for one day, to see who you will marry and what you might be doing in the future? I might want to see who I would marry because what if I meet that person and the feelings are not there. What if I let that guy go past me? What if he is my best guy/friend and nothing ever happens till I am 50 and can’t have kids. What if I am dating him right now?

Just one night and a little more

sitting at the lake really makes everything better. Watching the sun go down and then watching the stars come up is one of the best things that God ever created. When i see the light from the stars in your eyes it makes my knees go weak. Gosh you have me in the palm of you hands. Right where you want me. But what is going to happen when we both are at school. far away from each other. its going to really suck. why is that when i find one good thing in my life i have to leave or something happens to it. I think i am falling for you and i just cant stop my self.

here is to school... Lady panthers baby! Only 18 days left till i go to school. Sha and i are super excited. I cant wait to meet all these new people. I hope welcome week is going to be fun!

SO here is to new experiences and going off to a new place

take me or leave me?

so thinking alot about what is going on in life and all i can say to you is take me this way or dont take me at all jsut leave me be

thoughts going through this one girls mind>>>

i have been thinking alot about what is going to happen in the next few months. I am gunna go off to college and start a new life. But then i get really scared because i dont know what is going to be out there. I honestly need a break form this time and the next.

My Bucket List

At church we are talking about the movie "The Bucket List" and it gets me to thinking, " What is my list" What do i want to do before i die?
Who knows when that day will be. it could be in the next few hours or in the next few days. So here it goes, "My Bucket List"
1. Go to Italy and Greece
2. Play in the College World Series
3. Become a teacher in science
4. Find the perfect guy
5. Become a mother
6. Witness a miracle
7. See my god son rylen Graduate college
8. Coach a girls fastpitch softball team and be the best in the nation
9. Win a national championship
10. Play of the USA softball team

Today, Tomorrow, the near future

Today~
What happens today makes you stronger. Nothing will ever be changed. you cant help what happens to you. Everyone has to jsut take life by a string and go with it.

Tomorrow~
THings might have changed from what you saw yesterday but still it is in the past. Thinking what you ave today might be gone tomorrow. Thats true, you never know what you are going to get or what is going to happen. Still jsut let life take you to many different places

The Near Future~
IN less than 2 months i, AB will be going to college. Away form home. Away from everything i have known for the past 18 years. It is kinda scary. But exciting at times too.
I will leave everything behind. Bad times and good. Starting over fresh with new people.

Till then, time will only tell what there is going to be in front of me.

XoXoXo,
AB!

Nights out with the girls!!

SO the past few weekends have probably been some of the best. Last weekend. I played softball with some of the most amazing people... Then this weekend, friday i went to the royals game wiht kasey and Lauren and man do i laugh when i am with them..... then saturday which is today i went to a birthday party then i went and hing out with my 3 bestest friends ever, CHar CECE and tara.. We always have the best time together.. I couldnt ask for better last days here in smithville... till later

Peace and Love
XOXOXO

Coming to an End but with a new Beginning

27 days left...
27 days left till i am no loner a high school student.
27 days till i walk across the stage and never look back.
27 days with the people i have become so close with
27 days of all the stupid smithville drama
27 days left of a life i once knew on to a new one..

Life is just coming to a close on this part of my life. And a new part is about to begin.

Growing up from this girl to what i am today has become a little hard for me. I have beocme something out of my imagination. Nothing will ever be the same.

As i grow up i have really found the person i am today. I am me and that is all that matters.

Time is to long.....

Time is going by so fast and I just dont know what to think about it. I have 6 weeks really left of school till the big day. Its has come so fast but to come to think of it. I am ready to get out of here... ready to start a new part of my life.

People say that time is here and that now and what happened in the past are what we need to worry about. I dont think that at all. I think that time is now. and what we have in this moment is what counts the most. You cant go back and change the past so why even try. You have now and what lies ahead to worry about. Dotn Dwell on the past. Its what makes you who you are right now.


till later
Peace XOXOXO
Girl in the center

The light of the moon on your face

What a night... went to the school dance, which wasnt all that fun... but us upperclassmen made it amusing. Danced the ngiht away with friends. Amazing. couldnt be any better.

Last night i was sitting at the dam and i looked at your face in the moon light. You turned and looked at me and smiled. It makes my knees go weak. I have thought alot about US as the past few days have gone by. Adn i still am not 100% sure about whats gunna happen. But all i know is that you make me happy. You are the only one that can truely make me laugh till i cry. I lvoe that about you.

So herre is to us... may our future be bright together!

Peace and Love
XOXOXO
Light Girl

The past 18 years or so

First entry and i just been thinking.
For the past 18 years or so, i have looked at my self and not really thought i was really anything till about 3 years ago. I always saw my self as the work hard, never have time for anything but softball kinda girl. But not as i am 18 years old, i see my self as a grown up. WOW! werid to say i know but a grown up. I am one. I see my self in a whole new light. I trust my self more. Weird to say again, i know. But i do. I can let my self go more. Have a little more fun. I also see my self as a girl that strives for what she wants and won't let anyone get in the way of that.

I just got to go through an experience that might have changed my life. Never thought a boy would actually change my life but in all honestly it or should i say he did. Garrett Wayne Bebermeyer. changed my life. and can i say in a complete circle. I odnt think i can ever get back to were i was before. Nor do i ever want to.

Spring break is about to come.. and i have never been more excited. I am going to Michigan. I havent been to see family in like 2 and a half years. To long let me tell ya. I am going to see my Aunts and cousin and my GRANDMAPA!!! It is weird to think that the next time i will see this side of my family i will be gradutating from high school and about to imbark on a new part of life.

New experience and new things are going to be happening in life and i am ready for anything that comes my way..

Peace and love
XOXOXO